Broken Pieces (Cape Isle, #3): A Cape Isle Novel Page 18

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Zack

  WE GET BACK TO LEXIE'S house from the funeral.

  It's a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, yet I feel it should be fucking raining.

  I loosen the tie around my neck and pour myself another drink, looking towards the back door where everyone is standing outside.

  I'm so fucking sick of people being at the house. I want them all to go the hell away. I see Lexie standing by her brother and he has his arm thrown around her shoulder. She has her sunglasses on, hiding what I know is bloodshot eyes and dried tears. She didn't openly cry at the funeral. She sat stoically beside me, not saying one word and not moving an inch. I could see the tears rolling down her cheeks, even though occasionally she would wipe them away.

  Her mouth is still pulled down into a deep frown.

  I can hardly remember what her smile looks like anymore. It's been weeks since I've seen it. Her black dress hangs on her too-thin figure. I know all of her pain doesn't have to do with my mom dying, but I know a lot of it is. She was very close to her. I'm not stupid, though. I know some of it has to do with me. I see the looks she gives me sometimes when she thinks I don't notice. I wish I could read her mind and give her whatever it is she's looking for right now, but I can't. I'm battling my own demons. I'm too much in my own mind to see what's inside of hers; I know this. I fucking know this, but I don't know what to do to change that.

  I pull my sunglasses down over my eyes and walk into the hot summer air towards Lexie, but I'm stopped several times on the way to her by more people who want to give their condolences. I have to grit my teeth against the ‘fuck you’s’ that want to fly out of my mouth as I nod my head in thanks.

  Where were these people while she lay in that bed day after day? Where were these people when her pain was so unbearable that all I could do was hold her hand?

  I know they mean well, but I can count on maybe two hands the number of people that were actually there for her this past month. Now I have to watch all of the others, who didn't do a mother-fucking thing, walk around Lexie's house offering us hugs and fucking casseroles like it will actually help the situation. It doesn't and I'm fucking sick of it.

  I finally get to Lexie's side and I look down at her.

  “Hey,” I whisper.

  “Hi,” she responds. Her voice sounds flat.

  Nick looks down at his sister and then over to me. He stares at me for so long that I almost ask him what the fuck he wants, but finally he sighs and looks away. He doesn't drop his arm away from Lexie and I don't pull her to me. We just stand here like two fucking strangers and I hate it. I hate it even more that I don't do a damn thing about it. I put my cup to my lips and take a big drink, feeling the whiskey burn all the way down. If I'm lucky, I'll be drunk enough not to care soon.

  Later that night, I'm sitting on the back patio when Lexie walks the last person out of the house. I watch as she comes back into the kitchen and runs her fingers through her hair, before starting to clean up. I want her to walk out here to me. I want her to do something other than just go through the motions.

  The whiskey isn't helping to numb my mind. I need a distraction. I’m sick of feeling nothing but this overwhelming sense of grief. I set my cup down and walk inside. Her back is to me as I walk up behind her and push her hair to one side over her shoulder. I have flashbacks of doing the same thing hundreds of times before, happier times, when our lives were so much more simple.

  She flinches when my mouth meets her neck and it feels like a stab to the heart. She's not used to me touching her like this anymore.

  “What are you doing?” she whispers.

  “Kissing your neck.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Her question makes me pull back. That's the first time she has asked that question. We've danced around the subject, but we haven't come right out and asked if either of us were okay.

  “No, Lexie, I'm not okay, but I think you already knew the answer to that question. Are you okay?”

  “No, I'm not.” I can hear the tears in her voice.

  Her hands are squeezing the edge of the counter, almost like she is holding herself back from something.

  I rest my forehead on her shoulder and close my eyes. “I need to feel something other than what I'm feeling.”

  “Me too, Zack.”

  With my hands still on her hips, I turn her around and look down into her sad eyes. She studies mine and shakes her head. “Are you drunk?”

  “No.” That is the first time I've ever lied to Lexie. I'm not falling down drunk, but I am definitely feeling the effects of all of the alcohol I've consumed today.

  She doesn't call me out on my lie, but if possible her eyes get even sadder. “Okay.”

  I bring my lips down to hers and kiss her for the first time in what feels like forever. This kiss is different and not a good kind of different. This kiss is filled with pain and heartache, for many different reasons.

  I pick Lexie up. Her arms circle my neck and she wraps her legs around my waist.

  “I just need to feel you, please.” I mumble against her lips as I carry her to the bedroom.

  She nods her head, as I lay her down, and she pulls her dress over her head lying back on the bed. I quickly strip out of my clothes and crawl between her legs. She kisses my neck and across my jaw, before whispering in my ear.

  “Take whatever it is you need.”

  I should have said something then, but I didn't. I needed to quiet my brain. I needed to feel something other the pain, so I took the comfort she offered me by giving her my body, but that's all I offered in return. My heart was too broken to offer her anything else.

  * * *

  This is how we spend the next month.

  We rarely speak.

  We don't share smiles or funny stories about our days.

  I leave her house early for work every morning, briefly giving her a kiss on the cheek. I work myself to the bone at the fire station during the week and I work for Grant at the construction company on the weekends. I go to the cemetery every night when I get off, staying until the sun is set low in the sky and return to Lexie's house, where we share a quiet meal and I lose myself in her body.

  She's getting fed up with my behavior. I see it in her eyes every time she looks at me, but I don't know how to fix what seems to be broken.

  Pain changes people. I don't feel like the same man I was two months ago, when I was desperately trying to win Lexie's love. No matter what I do to try to move on from the pain, deep down inside I'll always know that I'll never get to hug my mom again. I'll never get to hear any more of her wisdom and advice. I've lived without my dad for a long time now, but I don't know how to live without my mom.

  “Alright, guys, I'm out of here,” I mumble as I clock out at the fire station. I get a chorus of goodbyes as I walk towards my truck. I pull out of the parking lot and head towards the cemetery. Just like every other night, I park under the old oak tree and make my way to her grave.

  I squat down in from of the newly placed headstone and just stare at it for a second in silence. My thoughts are all over the place today. I wish I could talk to someone, but the woman I want to talk to is going through enough. She doesn't need any more of my shit and I don't want to seem weak in her eyes.

  “I could really use your advice right about now, Mom,” I whisper into the night air.

  Just like every other night, I don't get a response. A few birds chirp in a nearby tree and I hear a car door shutting in the distance. People and things are going on about their daily lives all around me. I sigh and pull a blade of grass out of the ground before sitting in front of my parent’s graves.

  “I really need you both. I know I'm a grown man, but I really wish you were here to tell me that everything is going to be okay.”

  * * *

  I pull into Lexie's driveway later than usual. From the front window, I can see the kitchen light is still on. She gave me a key a few weeks ago, so when I walk up
the steps, I just let myself inside.

  The house is dark and quiet. Lady greets me at the door and I scratch her head, before leading her towards the back yard. As I walk into the kitchen I stop short, when I see Lexie sitting at the bar. She is still in her work clothes and there is a glass of wine in front of her. Her eyes lift to mine and I see they are red-rimmed from crying. My once lively, outgoing girl is sitting in a dark house, drinking and crying all alone. I've done this to her.

  Me.

  The question I keep wondering is why she keeps letting me do it. Why doesn't she just cut me loose? The Lexie I know would have done it weeks ago, but she hasn't. She just lets me take what I need, and I'm too weak to let her go.

  “Hi,” I whisper.

  She doesn't say anything for a long second…

  This is it. This is when she finally tells me to get the fuck out. I can see her warring with herself. I wait and wait, but no words ever come. She finally lifts her glass to her mouth and takes a sip. I internally sigh. I don't know whether it's in relief or frustration. I know I've changed, but she's changed more. Her spark is gone. I've killed it. Just like everything around me that I touch, it's died.

  I think about pushing her, seeing if I can get her to react, but I don't. She looks so fucking tired and so sad. She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and I know tonight isn't the night to try to bring my Lexie back.

  I know how brave and strong she is, but at the same time she is also very broken.

  Aren't we a fucking pair, two broken souls not having the first damn clue as to how to put our pieces back together?

  We can't keep living like this. We can't keep doing this to each other. I've taken enough from her and I refuse to take anymore.

  I walk to the other side of the kitchen island. I put my hands down on the counter and lean against it, dropping my head and closing my eyes. I take a deep breath, before looking back up at her.

  She is still studying me with those emotionless eyes.

  “I'm going to go,” I whisper.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Home, Lexie. I'm going to go back to my house.”

  She nods her head and takes another drink of her wine. “You haven't spent the night there in a few weeks. Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No. I can't do this anymore, Lexie. We can't keep doing this anymore.”

  She tilts her head to the side, but otherwise shows no emotion as to what I just said. “What is it that we can't keep doing, Zack?”

  I run a hand through my hair and shake my head. “I don't know, but I know I can't keep watching you lose more of yourself to me. I think broken people like me are better off alone. I keep taking and taking and you keep giving and giving.”

  “What is it that you want me to do, Zack?”

  “I want you to show some type of emotion. Be sad, be angry, just be something other than this void of a person.”

  “Like you? Because you seem to be doing so fucking well for yourself.” The words sound like Lexie, but they have no anger behind them. She is just stating facts and she's right.

  She has taken pieces from herself and given them to me, trying to keep me whole, but it hasn’t worked—I'm still broken and now she is just left with nothing.

  I walk over to her. I run my finger down her cheek, hoping for something that never happens. She just stares up at me.

  “I'm so sorry, Angel. I'm so very sorry. I should have left a long time ago, but I didn't. I love you so much.”

  I feel my eyes burning with un-shed tears. I lean down and kiss her forehead before letting her go. Calling Lady over to me, I do what I should have done a month ago… I leave. I look back over my shoulder one last time to see her watching me go.

  One move is all it would take, one tiny glimmer of hope that she wants me here and I would stay. I would stay and I would continue to take, but she doesn't do that. She stares back at me and doesn't say a word as I walk to the door, quietly shutting it behind me.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Lexie

  I WAKE UP THE NEXT morning and go through the motions of getting ready. That's all I seem to do lately. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just here.

  I see the strange looks Summer and Jenna give me at the bakery. I pretend like everything is fine, I've gotten good at that, but when I'm in the comfort of my own home, I let the facade fall.

  Pretending to be normal day after day it's so damn exhausting. I rarely see Zack and when I do, he has the same lost look on his face. He is who I want to talk to, but I don't even know where to start. He feels like a stranger to me, even though he holds the key to making this all better. If he would just show me one little glimpse of the Zack I know is in there somewhere, maybe we could fix what's broken. I'm trying to be strong for him. I watch him crumble night after night. He is barely hanging on and I'm not sure I can be the one to hold him together anymore.

  He is right… I am void of the person I use to be. I am and I know it.

  I sigh as I pull my hair up in a pony-tail and grab my car keys, making it to work early. I don't sleep well on a good night and last night definitely doesn't qualify as a good night.

  I use my key to let myself in, locking the door behind me, before making my way back to the kitchen.

  “Good morning,” Summer says, as I set my purse down.

  “Morning.”

  I sit down at the counter and watch her bake in silence. This has been our usual routine for the past few weeks. However, this morning when she offers me a cupcake and I shake my head, my sweet best friend snaps.

  She slams the cupcake down on the counter with such force that crumbs go everywhere. “You're going to eat the fucking cupcake, Lexie Sinclaire or so help me God I'm firing you!”

  “No, you're not,” I respond shaking my head.

  “What's it going to take, huh? What's it going to take to get my best friend back?”

  She leans on the counter, much like Zack did last night, and I feel a pang in my chest.

  I can't believe I just watched him walk away. I didn't say a fucking word.

  I lift my eyes to Summer's. “Zack left me last night,” I mumble.

  “What?” Her eyes go round with shock.

  “Yep. Told me he couldn't keep doing this. He walked right out the door and I didn't do a damn thing to stop him. What's that say about me, Summer?”

  “Oh, honey. It says that you are lost. Both of you are, sweetie.”

  I nod my head because she's right. We are lost.

  “How do I find myself again?” I whisper.

  She comes around the counter and wraps her arms around me. “We'll find her. She's down deep in there somewhere. We'll find her.”

  She holds me and I cry. I cry all of the tears that I've held back. I cry for me and I cry for Zack. I cry for what feels like hours and Summer doesn't say a word. She holds me and lets me get it all out. When I'm done, she hands me a tissue and I wipe my nose and face. I must look a wreck.

  “Now, here is a fresh cupcake. I want you to eat this and then I want you take a few days off.”

  I open my mouth to protest, but she holds up her hand, cutting me off. “You took no time off when Joanna was sick and you only took three days when she died and that was for the funeral. Take a few days. Go to the beach. Find my Lexie and bring her back.”

  She passes me the cupcake and I let out a small smile, the first one in what feels like forever.

  “There she is,” Summer whispers, with a wink.

  “I knew your cupcakes where magic,” I respond, before taking a bite.

  * * *

  I do what Summer says and for the next few days, I try to find myself. I spend my days at the beach, looking out into the waves.

  On Wednesday, I go have dinner with my brother and Katie. Nick asks if me if I want him to kick Zack's ass, but I just shake my head. I think Zack is in enough pain, but I do plan on giving him a piece of my mind soon.

  By the time Friday rol
ls around, I feel like I can actually breathe again. The sadness and hurt is still there, but it's not the overwhelming pain I was feeling. I still ache to talk to Zack. He was my best friend before he was my lover and I miss him. I decide that I'm going to his house. It’s my turn to talk and he is going to listen what I have to say.

  It’s time to fix us.

  I pull into the bakery parking lot and go inside.

  “Hi, Lexie,” Jenna calls out from behind the counter. She gives me rare smile and I give her a big one in return.

  “Hey, Jenna. Have ya'll been busy?”

  “Nah. Not too bad. What are you doing here?”

  “I need cupcakes.”

  “Of course you do,” she laughs.

  “Not for me,” I protest.

  “Uh-huh.”

  I laugh and tell her what I need and I watch her pack the box full of sweets.

  She comes back up to the register and I pay.

  “You look good,” she says quietly.

  “I feel good.” What I feel is determined.

  She smiles at me again as I take the box from her outstretched hand.

  “I'll see you Monday.”

  “See you then,” I wink.

  Zack only lives a few miles from the bakery. I'm not sure if he's home from work yet or not, but I decide to go ahead and go over there.

  When I pull into his driveway, I see his truck already parked. I turn my car off and take a deep breath, before grabbing the cupcake box and walking up to the front door. I have never been nervous to talk to Zack, but right in that moment, my hands actually shake. I give myself a little pep talk, and decide it’s now or never.

  I ring the doorbell and step back.

  He opens the door looking freshly showered and completely shocked.

  “Lexie?”

  “I brought cupcakes,” I say holding out the box.

  “I see that.”

  We stare at each other for what feels like forever, not saying a word. The silence between us is heavy. He looks so tired, even more than he did when he left my house a week ago.